We had a special visitor tonight. I'm torn at what to call him since none of the typical names seem to fit exactly. He is Meister's biological dad, but he was also there for his birth. He is Meister's birth dad, but he was there for him more than just birth. He is Meister's first dad, but that implies that now that there is a second dad, he isn't his dad at all anymore. Our other kids call him Uncle K*, so Meister has taken to calling him Uncle K, too.
Uncle K came to visit for the first time since Meister was adopted 2.5 years ago. The first picture below brings tears to my eyes. I love both of these guys. One as a brother, and one as a son. I desperately want the best for both of them, and yet we had to make a tough choice 2.5 years ago. I never dreamed that reconciliation after that choice would be made so quickly. I imagined Meister going through life wondering what ever happened to Uncle K, wondering if he ever thought about him, wondering if he ever cared, and basically feeling abandoned.
And, yet, here we are while Meister is still fairly young and amazingly Uncle K is back in his life. Meister responded so appropriately - little timid at first, but warmed up and obviously held some tenderness in his heart for Uncle K. He was deliberately re-anchoring himself in our family unit by coming back to Pete and I for cuddles and by intentionally using our names (Mom and Dad) often.
So now Meister doesn't have to wonder if Uncle K ever cared. I can put pictures like these in his scrapbook, and he can know that he is special and cared for.
Not that this visit changes anything for Meister on a daily basis - Uncle K will probably not be around much, and life will go on as normal for Meister. But at the same time, visits like this will make a huge difference for Meister as he grows up.
Our church holds a Thanksgiving Eve service with a traditional time for sharing what God has done over the previous year. The sharing includes tough stuff - deaths, sicknesses, ect. but also includes more lighthearted things as well. One little boy was thankful for his 5 kitties and shared each name with us. After Meister saw that Pastor Jeff was sharing the microphone with kids, he desperately wanted a chance to speak to the crowd.
"Mom, Can I say something too?"
"What are you going to say?"
Meister shrugs his shoulders.
"You can if you can tell about something that you are really happy or thankful for. Can you think of anything?"
Meister nods his head.
"Whisper it to me first, OK?" I had to check make sure it was appropriate. He whispered what he was thinking, and I tearily agreed that he could raise his hand for the microphone.
Pastor Jeff brought the microphone over to Meister who excitedly took it in his hand. Enjoying the way his voice was broadcast over the entire room, he said, "Well . . . I got 'dopted by Pete and Julie!"
Wow! Talk about making 300 hearts melt! Pete was getting teary-eyed. Pastor Jeff was blinking back tears. And the whole audience applauded. What a gift to us especially since we hadn't been talking about being thankful for adoption. That was totally out of his own sweet little heart.
A buddy from college who has also adopted from Ukraine found this video and shared the link on her blog. It is a must-see and explains itself. Click HERE. There has been some discussion regarding the facts that are stated in the video regarding what happens to the children when they graduate at age 16. Some areas in Ukraine are much worse than others, but the government has recognized the problem and is working on it. It is still true that while the government is trying to put supports in place, many kids are graduating and ending up homeless, jobless, and forced to live lives of crime and prostitution.
- As of 2005, "700,000 abortions were carried out annually, roughly 65-70 women of reproductive age per 1000, in comparison to 10 in Canada and 5.6 in the Netherlands." This was interesting to me because we were told that the birthmom had been pregnant twice before 's birth, but they could not find any records of those siblings. We were told that these pregnancies were aborted. I have always wondered what made her want to carry V to full term only to give him up after his birth. Did she really intend to keep him only to change her mind when she saw that he was born with club feet?
- "Soviet reproductive health practices continue to be followed which treat pregnancy as an illness rather than the beginning of a new stage of life . . . "
- Maternity wards lack even basic amenities such as heat and hot water. The doctors practice with their medical robes over their winter coats. A team investigating the conditions in one maternity ward writes, "While we walk with the head physician, nurses pass us, running newborns from the delivery room to the nursery to ensure that the infants do not freeze!" The delivery room in this particular maternity hospital in the middle of March was barely 63 degrees F and had no running water.
After all that rabbit trailing, I never did find any info on the children's hospital V was in, but I did find copies of the picture taken for his Ukrainian passport. He is adorable, but so, so sad. He had just been taken out of the orphanage, got to ride in a car, and now had to sit for a picture. Can you imagine the fear that he may have been experiencing? "What is going on? Am I leaving forever like those other kids who disappeared? Why aren't those nice people, Mama and Papa, taking me away? I thought I was supposed to leave with them. I like them because they have crackers and juice in their bag."
God recently gave me a friendship at our homeschool co-op that He has used to force me to be honest about my parenting of V. She encouraged me to seek help because V shows symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I have felt for years that I have been a failure as a mom to V (V has been home for almost 6 years now). We feel like we are getting nowhere in reaching his heart motivations for his behavior. V can be very obedient and sweet when his dad or I are paying attention to him, but as soon as we are not looking or out of earshot, he often resorts to bad behavior.
I just finished reading Adopting the Hurt Child by Gregory C. Keck & Regina Kupecky, where the author describes the dramatic effects that not being able to bond with a primary caregiver during the first 3 years of life has on a person's ability to relate to everyone in their world in their future. V spent his first 21 months in a Ukrainian hospital, then the next 16 months in an orphanage, so he experienced multiple changes of shifts in who was responsible for caring for him. Since we all learn to relate to people based on our first attachment to our primary caregivers, V did not develop an ability to totally trust us as his adoptive parents. This inability to trust leads to an inability to attach and can be exhibited in various ways for different kids such as:
Superficially engaging & charming
Lack of eye contact on parents terms
Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
Not affectionate on Parents’ terms
Destructive to self, others and material things (accident prone)
Cruelty to animals
Lying about the obvious (crazy lying)
Stealing
No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)
Learning Lags
Lack of cause-and-effect thinking
Lack of conscience
Abnormal eating patterns
Poor peer relationships
Preoccupation with fire
Preoccupation with blood & gore
Persistent nonsense questions & chatter
Inappropriately demanding & clingy
Abnormal speech patterns
Triangulation of adults
False allegations of abuse
Presumptive entitlement issues
- List is from www.attachment.org
Because of V's ability to be superficially engaging and charming, many of you who know V will find it difficult to believe that we struggle with his behavior. How many times have I heard, "Oh, I just LOVE that V! He is SO sweet, adorable, cute, ect."? So please trust us on this issue, and pray for healing for V as we start learning how we can help him overcome his hurts. We will be starting therapy with a therapist who specializes in attachment disorder in August (there's a LONG wait to get an evaluation done). In the meantime, we will be learning all we can about RAD and try some different parenting techniques that have worked for other kids with RAD.
Focus on the Family has an article about RAD if you would like to learn more.
We've been raising our nephew as one of ours for a long time now, but today he became legally ours! This is the second adoption hearing for our family, but it sure is much easier to understand in English than in Ukrainian :-) The judge was thankful that Meister had family to "fill the gap" for him, and we are honored to be chosen by God for that role.
Meister's version of what happened today: "We went to that big building, and the judge said I could have a new mommy and daddy."
This weekend we had the privilege to gather for a potluck with other families who had adopted children from Ukraine. V had looked forward to it all week, and was able to interact with 20+ other Ukrainian kiddos. We enjoyed swapping travel stories with others who had been there, and even met up with a family that we first met in Poland while we were both on our journeys home from Ukraine. 
We adopted V from Ukraine through the Independent Ukrainian Adoption Family Network. The IUAFN naturally developed as one adoptive mom, Cathy Harris, turned around and helped others adopt from Ukraine. Many of those joined in the effort to help others, and now Cathy and the IUAFN has helped over 900 families adopt children from Ukraine without the extra costs of an adoption agency. We call our kids the Ukrainian Angels. Needless to say, I wanted a picture of V with Cathy for his scrapbook. V, though, didn't care much for getting his picture taken with a lady he had never met before and was not as cooperative as he normally is.
If you have time to get lost in a bunch of priceless pictures of children given a future with a family, check out Cathy's web site. We are family #275. Cathy's site is a bit out of date, but I suppose that is because she adopted 3 more children and now has a total of 10!